I had planned to write about what "LIVING" means to YOU this week...to challenge each of you to LIVE your fibroLIFE to the fullest...to embrace reality for what it is and then RUN WITH IT! Instead, I have found myself unable to do so.
You see, I have had weight loss as a priority all this year....and when you LIVE a fibroLIFE, you can only get so much into a day. So, this week, rather than writing FIRST, which is what I used to do, I have taken my morning walk with Cally. Yes, it was the right thing to do for her, and for my weight loss goals, but after, I have had to sleep at least three hours. Then, I have had other priorities to attend to. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, errands, etc., all of which take a great deal of energy on my part, resting in between, etc. Frankly, I have run out of day each day thus far.
I have been in horrible pain at night...finding it too much even to do twitter and facebook updates really. I am even behind on Words With Friends, which is my favorite form of distraction from the pain. Therefore, I have not gotten back up, as I used to when unable to sleep, to write either.
Today, rather than being better, I am actually worse. The night was horrible with pain beyond words...a true "If I were a horse..." night for sure. Morning found me exhausted, sore as if hit by a train multiple times, with swollen hands, feet, and face, hot flushed skin, and nauseous to the point of needing to just be very still. Cally and I did not walk. The only cooking I have done is to to microwave Hubby's Jimmy Dean Delight this morning. No cleaning, no laundry...no Words With Friends even. I am still behind on Twitter and facebook. Those of you who know me well will know how badly I feel when I tell you I am still in bed actually, hair and make-up left undone. Yes, FMS is kicking my butt today!
I did pass some time, however, watching a movie. Yes...those who know me...I said "watching". You see, I almost always have Fox News or The History Channel on, playing in the background, but I rarely "watch" anything. I am a "listener". I stay busy...going from resting to folding laundry...back to resting, then Swiffering the floor...then resting. I actually only "watch" something when Hubby is home or when I have ladies over to watch movies, either faith-based, historical, classics, or Broadway-type productions. Today, however, I watched a DVD I had bought for just such an evening...One Night With The King...which is the story of Esther. Peter O'Toole, Omar Sharif, etc. Faith-based and a classic...for I am truly a multi-tasker at heart, from birth I think!
I would like to say that I enjoyed it. I really did try but I just feel so very badly and it goes so against my grain to just sit and "watch" something when I am alone and there are so many other things I want to accomplish. For you see, in case you have not gathered yet, that is what LIVING is to ME. I am happy when I am actually working toward doing one of the many, many things inside my head and heart...and almost always that means writing to make a difference. Rather it be about my childhood...for it was not The Brady Bunch, my failed marriages, my failures as a parent, my struggles with faith, or, of course, my moment-to-moment battle with FMS, for me, LIVING means making the best of all that has happened in my life.
If sharing any of my hard-lessons-learned helps just ONE person, then I will gladly share it all...for that is the heart I was born with. I cannot believe for a moment that God allowed a child to be born into the hard life I had...the fear... such fear...and the resulting ultimate lack of good judgment I showed from time to time, the resulting, never-ending struggle with faith...and the horrible battle I have now with FMS, all for naught. No, I do not fancy myself a modern-day Esther. I will never save an entire people by winning the love of a great king...but I write freely of my struggles to help those who have the same struggles...many of which, for whatever reasons, whether shame, embarrassment, fear, etc., do not openly talk about their needs or reach out to others.
Like each of you, I hate being this way. I am educated and capable of earning six-figures, taking care of myself, having and doing as I please...but for my health. Instead, I am in bed, still. Hair not done, make-up not done, and all I have accomplished is "watching" a movie...but FMS will NOT rob me of LIVING today. I will not be ashamed, for FMS is a real illness. I will not disappear from the blogs, facebook, twitter, etc. I may not be as active as I would like, but I will...I have...poured my heart onto this blank screen...as cleansing as a simple, blank piece of paper was to me when I was a frightened child.
In a moment, an hour, a day...just as I began feeling so badly, I will again feel better...if only for a moment, an hour, or a day...but I will LIVE each of them...rather good or bad...to the fullest. FMS is but a condition of my body...not the condition of my spirit! My body endures FMS but my spirit is stubborn, ambitious, and determined! There may be errors, for I am not at my best...but LIVING to ME is reaching out to each of YOU and SHOWING YOU that FMS is but a condition of our lives, not the end-all-be-all-result of our LIVES. You see, I do not know that there was a destiny that brought me to this place...perhaps, perhaps not. But I do know this: where ever I am, whatever my situation, FMS raging or just chomping at the bit to do so, I will LIVE as my determined, stubborn, ambitious heart dictates. I will live at all times for "such a time as this"! Not for some grandiose moment of ultimate moment of importance...but for each simple, precious moment I have!
I want to add this: I learned as a child...a very frightened child...that no one really lives like The Brady Bunch, and that was perhaps my greatest lesson. I interject that here because it applies. It is so important to see that LIVING with, IN SPITE of FMS, as difficult, unfair, painful, etc. as it may be, is not really a unique challenge...but rather the exact SAME challenge every living being faces. Perhaps, in some bizarre way, we are even lucky, because having FMS forces us to face this truth head on.
I know myself...and what LIVING means to me...and I have tried to share that here with you. Now, as I had planned all week, but in a very different way than I had planned, I challenge each of YOU to do exactly the same. Define, each of you for and within yourselves, what LIVING really means to you, and find a way, IN SPITE of all...not just FMS, but all adversities...find a way to LIVE at all times for "such a time as this"!